I feel like I have always been a person that liked to be strategic and have a plan for each day and I feel like I have kind of always needed some kind of barometer to measure how I'm doing in certain areas of life. Even as a mom, in the past, I have implemented routines that I thought would ensure that I was doing what I thought I was suppose to be doing as a mom and a wife. When I was in high school, I was always eager to know how I did on a test before the grade came out, matter-a-fact I would agonize over the test right after I took it, to evaluate how I thought I did and come to a conclusion before we even got the test back. As a young adult, I never waited for performance reviews from my employers. I always wanted to know how I was doing before the reviews came out. I would approach them and ask them if there is anything I need to work on? Some people might read this and think it's a "good" thing or that I'm bragging, but I'm not. I really don't think it was "right" or "wrong", "good" or "bad". It was just "what it was". But this type of thinking can hold you back at times and become a barrier to where God is taking you. I believe I was living under God's grace even within this way of thinking, but God is moving me to a destination where these instruments of evaluation are no longer effective in conveying "how I'm doing". It has caused me to have to forsake some routines that were once very healthy in my life. Right now, I really don't know what I'm doing. I have no instruments to evaluate anything, I have no more "points of reference" other than God, Himself. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and how to do it. I am slowly becoming comfortable with that. I have always been the girl that tried to figure everything out. But God's grace is not on me right now to figure anything out, it's on me to be comfortable and at peace without having much figured out anymore at all. I always say that the Holy Spirit does not work in every area of your life at the same time, I believe grace is at work in different areas of your life at different seasons. It's so important to be sensitive to what area the Holy Spirit is working in, during every season of life, so you can dwell under the wings of God's grace
Psalm 91:1 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.